Musings: “Will You Accept these Roses?”: A reflection on The Bachelor, Race, Love, Monogamy, & Non-Monogamous Virtues

I. “Meet Matt James”

Friends of mine know that I’m interested in all things “Black Love” and they were eager to suggest season 25 of The Bachelor to my watchlist. I hadn’t watched any season prior to this one but like much of the world, I was lowkey excited about “the first Black Bachelor”, who I had playfully dubbed “Barack OBachelor” even before I knew they shared the category of being “mixed race” Black men.

I met Matt James with the rest of the world. But unlike many viewers (I’m sure), I watched through a non-monogamous lens. “If nothing else,” I thought, “it’ll at least make for good fodder for my book.” (I’m not a actually sure how true that is).

In what follows, I offer a look at The Bachelor through the lens of non-monogamy, excavating whatever virtues might be found along the way and spotlighting deficiencies as they present themselves to my mind. For example, a potential challenge we should anticipate is whether it can be helpful at all to search for non-monogamous virtues in a show that rests on amatonormative and monormative assumptions? For example, the belief that the series would ultimately result in Matt James finding a wife (How many times did he say, “I see my wife in this room”?) creates a landscape for love that is a battleground-esque. We are shown that love is, thus, a competition among women that ends in a relationship that leads to monogamous marriage, instead of a journey of perpetually finding one’s self and appreciating the connections we forge along the way.

Against better judgment, I silently hoped that the show’s first Black bachelor would also be the first reject these pressures by electing to remain with multiple partners upon the show’s conclusion. (Ah, well, perhaps there’s still hope for me. Anyone know the Bachelor’s casting agent? Tell ’em to holla at me!)

Although I remain disappointed along these lines, I do think that Matt James’ season of The Bachelor reveals some interesting insights on the possibilities of what ethical non-monogamy might look like among Black folks, and cisgendered, heterosexual, Black men more specifically.

II. GROUP DATES

Common questions I’ve encountered when discussing polyamory (or other forms of ethical non-monogamy) include “what do dates look like?” Does one date their partners separately? Do dates happen with all of the relata present? If so, how? What of jealousy?

I’m usually surprised by these quandaries and often use them to take stock of the fact that there are already models for group and multi-party dating in our society. For example, while speed dating and the like, are not the most common forms of navigating the dating space, it is likely common enough to be readily legible to anyone setting eyes on this piece. Additionally, many of my own adolescent affections were subject to the immediate gaze of my homies (and their relata) on the many awkwardly funny and funnily awkward double and triple dates we had growing up in Los Angeles.

While double dates speak to group dating spaces, the “dating” or “talking” stages of relationships speak to the acceptable multiplicity of affection forming and tacit acceptance of non-monogamous dating conditions prior to formalization. In other words, its okay for people to be seeing other people prior to becoming “official.” Entertaining all of one’s relata in an intentionally curated shared space, however, is far less common amongst monogamists. Importantly, these models don’t disrupt mononormative scripts for love that tell us dating and relationships are to be conducted dyadically — or prioritizing the coupling of two and only two people in a relationship at a time. On the contrary, they leave them woefully in tact.

Throughout the season we get a thoroughgoing dose of Matt James and his relata navigating group dating space and their affections within these spaces. Whereas group dating in the sense of double and triple dating leaves mononormativity in tact, Matt James’s group dates are non-monogamous; each of the relata relate to him romantically but not to one another. Matt is a Black man with many girlfriends (and some of his girlfriends refuse to let him forget this fact). Still, by and large the dates are fun, memorable, and enjoyable.

While jealousy does emerge in some of the relationships, where it comes from and how it is handled is a bit more critical than we might otherwise see in monogamous relationships. The realization that they consent to being in a non-monogamous relationship with Matt (at least in the short-term) motivate the relata to grapple with their jealousy in more constructive rather than destructive ways such as sitting with themselves while the emotions pass or probing a conversation with Matt to express and address the feelings of jealousy that they’re saddled with.

While intitally a bit awkward and uncomfortable, we learn that vulnerabilty can be shared in the group setting as we saw with the group date that was a poetry night. Most enjoyably, this particular group date functioned not only to deepen the emotional intimacy between Matt and his relata, but also between the relata themselves.

The group dates on The Bachelor straightforwardly demonstrate the possiblity of and for Black men to navigate the emotionally and relationally complex terrain of group dates while sustaining multiple romantic relationships.

These dates index a kind of non-monogamy that polyamorists call kitchen table polyamory — or non-monogamous relationships where the relata are comfortable enough with one another to sit at a hypothetical kitchen table with one another. It is typical of polyamorists who prefer kitchen table polyamory to want to know their metamours and establish friendships with them. (I am of the mind that there is overwhelming practical benefit and transformative potential contained in polyamorous relationsihips that adopt this model.) Contrastingly, kitchen table polyamory is often juxtaposed to parallel polyamory — or non-monogamous relationships where the relationships do not intersect or interact. The fact that the show positions Matt’s partners to all live in the same house together (and be as amicable as perhaps they can be to one another) also reveals that BIPOC women can navigate the emotionally and relationally complex terrains that non-monogamy sometimes contains.

Last, but not least, the group dates on The Bachelor show how appreciation of one-on-one date time can be intensified when juxtaposed to a shared group dating space. As such, one wonders whether group dates might systematically fortify even the dyadic dimensions of non-monogamous relationships.

III. Race

From what I have gathered in the testimony of more avid Bachelor watchers, season 25 was the most polarizing season in the show’s history. Much of the controversy revolved around race. As I mentioned, this was the show’s “first Black bachelor”. This season attracted the “most diverse” applicant pool and featured the “most diverse” cast in the show’s history. Chris Harrison resigned as the show’s host amid controversy around racially insensitive commentary. And Rachel Kirkconnell, the woman who was chosen by Matt in the show’s finale, was photographed at a plantation-themed fraternity party.

I found it rather peculiar that Matt James was a mixed race Black man. Episode one presents his narrative as one who was predominantly raised by his White mother, with an absent Black father (who gets introduced to the show in episodes closer to the finale offering Matt an opportunity for reconciliation and healing. *HARD eye roll*🙄 ). To me, both the racial politic around the show’s casting choice as well as the narrative of Matt’s absent father, reveal a conservative respectability politic in the service of mainstream palatability. We’ve seen this before. As Alim and Smitherman argue, Barack Obama’s mixed racial heritage was no small factor in his electability in 2008.

Social discourse around interracial relationships has been steadily growing since Charles Mills posed the question of “Do Black Men Have a Moral Duty to Marry Black Women?” I’ve been paying particular attention to how this discourse has proliferated since about 2010. As a result, I predicted that Matt would likely choose a white woman (which I was totally unsurprised that he did).

Historically, my views on interracial relationships have been colloquially antagonistic. Suffice it to say here however that I am inclined to agree with Mills and the perspective of many black women near to me that those who prefer to date white women usually or always do so from questionable motivations.

IV. Vulnerability

Perhaps one thing The Bachelor should be commended for is an effort to subvert the narrative that black men have difficulties being vulnerable. Throughout the season we find Matt giving repeated voice to his desire that his partners be as vulnerable with him as he was with them. We see Matt James experiencing a roller coaster of emotions throughout the season; some bringing him to tears on camera. The idea that black men can be soft or softened is one that does not find much promotion in the main stream media.

However it should be noted that for all of the work that was done in promoting vulnerability, much of the vulnerability that got recognized and taken up in ways that found reward were those displays of vulnerability that were passive. For example, Matt awarded many one-on-one date roses to women who shared features about their life that showed them to be susceptible to being wounded emotionally. In other places, I have suggested that the prioritization of passive vulnerability risks ignoring the active dimension of vulnerability which involves engaging in actions that may advertently or inadvertently cause harm to other individuals. Toward this end, many struggled to recognize Victoria as vulnerable (given her hand in stirring up house drama and actively harming other realta in some cases) during the reunion show in spite of her mentioning that she had been receiving of death threats for her representation on the show. Furthermore instead of recognizing Victoria‘s in-house behavior as actions extending from a vulnerable agent, the more standard and readily available interpretation of her behavior was that she was a callous and manipulative bitch.

One also wonders how other women in the house might’ve had their opportunities for love squandered by this very narrow portrayal of vulnerability. For instance, when women were inclined to share things about their life that may have been vulnerable disclosures for them to make, if these disclosures were not packaged in straightforwardly vulnerable ways (i.e. tethered to crying or deep dramatic sighs and pauses), the likelihood of receiving a rose at the end of an episode seemed radically reduced for them.

The simple lesson here being that vulnerability takes on a many of forms. While for some vulnerability looks like crying and deep sighing, for others it looks a lot like disclosing a secret that little or no other people know in ways that may appear drab, monotone, or disconnected. We learn that for lovers whose expressions of vulnerability deviate from standard expressions of vulnerability, hopes for a happily ever after may be woefully compromised. This is particularly troubling for heterosexual black women, for example, who regularly struggle against controlling images of themselves as angry and aggressive.

V. Metaships

Perhaps the most well-worn resistance to non-monogamy is citing jealousy. If some person has more than one partner at a time, the thought goes, jealousy is inherently bound to show up in ways that destabilize the relationship making non-monogamy unsustainable over time. Much of the time this resistance has not taken stock of the emotion of compersion — or the joy one experiences when seeing their partner experience joy from their other relationships — as a possible space for folks to occupy. However as testimony from many non-monogamists throughout the blogosphere has reified, compersion is a possible, and more often welcomed, emotion and this should not be ignored.

While some of the women in the house were indeed jealous of Matt’s relationships with other women, others in the house forged what seem like meaningful friendships and relationships with one another in spite sharing a romantic partner. Some of these friendships (as is evident on the Instagram profiles of cast members Piper James, Chelsea, and MJ) have outlasted the romantic relationships that each of the women had with Matt themselves.

The appropriate response to the presence of jealousy in non-monogamous relationships is to acknowledge that non-monogamous relationships are susceptible to the emotions associated with jealousy. The question is however, whether or not non-monogamous relationships are more susceptible to falling prey to these relationship threats then other relationship with my find ourselves in. We have to be honest about the extent to which our relationships with our friends, family members, or even colleagues and coworkers, are susceptible to falling prey to the emotion of jealousy.

To my mind this suggests that jealousy, when and wherever ever it occurs, should perhaps be thought of as presenting the relata an opportunity for self work and self-improvement. What is the source of this jealousy? What is it, precisely, that I am responding to? Is it appropriate to stir up my relationship in response to what I am feeling? Perhaps it is a rigorous and fearless investigation of these questions that would bring about the improvement of many intimate romantic relationships whether monogamous or non-monogamous.

We should remember that much of non-monogamous resistance is found in the conceptual realm. That is, many resist consideration of or participation in non-monogamous relationships without having any experience with ethical non-monogamy. The Bachelor generates critical challenges for commentary that reflects the idea that amicable non-monogamous relationships are not possible. And the idea that relationships with metamours are inherently tense is shown to be false week after week. That is, we can have amicable relationships with people that our partner is falling in love with and who are, in turn falling in love with our partner. The thing that non-monogamists like myself should perhaps be most appreciative of is that season 25 demonstrates the possibility of amicable non-monogamous relating for men and women who look like me.

VI. Practicality and unreality

All of our interpersonal relationships are political and material. As such they require some amount of resources to be sustained. Polyamorist influencers such as Polyamorous Black Girl have mentioned that polyamory and other forms of non-monogamy are a privilege. In addition to having informational and linguistic resources to articulate one’s intimate experiences with romantic relationships, successful non-monogamy also often benefits from accessing various kinds of material and monetary resources such as living accommodations and money.

The Bachelor paints an unrealistic picture of the practical circumstances involved with many non-monogamous relationships. Many folks who desire non-monogamy lack the resources such as an extravagant 9+ bedroom home for their relata to reside. Additionally relata often have jobs in the real world that they are responsible for on a day-to-day basis. Neither of these facts are helpfully reflected in the show. Instead all of the relata live in one home and are able to dedicate the entirety of their energetic and emotional resources to the pursuit of Matt James.

Matt James on the other hand is made capable of once-in-a-lifetime courtship experience that involve frequent swapping of luxury cars and fixed time dedicated to preserving one’s aesthetic (i.e. such as haircuts beard trimmings and clothing choices).

Except for very few individuals, this way of relating is unsustainable. For all that I have said about marginal non-monogamous virtues that appear in the context of The Bachelor perhaps this lesson is most important of all; lest I be held accountable by my readership of extending mononormative romanticism by gifting them yet another fairytale.